It has been almost 4 months since I have written ... Sunday afternoon after Matthew left for Vicksburg( long story that I will share later) I had a "moment" with Jackson that made me realize I needed to dedicate more time to my blog... it was nap time.. my sweet Lucas went down like he always does and Jackson refused to sleep... I was in such a hurry to get him to nap because the house was turned upside down and I really needed to clean and I was so frustrated that I couldn't get him to sleep... As I am sitting in his rocking chair impatiently waiting as he is crying and standing in his crib with his arms reached out for me saying "mama" I sigh irritated and go over to pick him up because honestly what mother can refuse that and as soon as I get close enough to him he wraps his little arms around my neck so tight and just hugs me like I haven't been hugged in quite a while... I sat in the rocking chair and rocked him for over an hour. He held me so tight, patting me on the back as I rocked him and he had the biggest smile on his face. I laughed at the fact that he wanted to be rocked like a baby. So, I held him like a baby and rocked him.. He looked so peaceful and happy and he literally fell asleep within minutes.. I couldn't help but get angry with myself.. the fact that I was frustrated and irritated with this sweet boy because I wanted to clean. All he wanted was for his mother to hold him for a little bit.. As I just stared at him I couldn't help but tear up and think of the last time me and Jackson had a moment like this?As I sat there staring at his beautiful face I honestly couldn't remember..I have spent every spare moment in the past year trying to get things done, fixed, cleaned, etc that I have completely neglected to enjoy and treasure all those irreplaceable moments that I should be cherising with these two precious gifts. In that moment I realized that there was nothing in this world more important than spending that time with my precious baby boy. So I sat there and held him as he slept. I took a mental picture of that moment and prayed to God that he always keeps that memory of us in my heart so I could close my eyes at any moment and remember him exactly this way and all those special moments we shared. As I watched him sleep I realized that the baby boy I was rocking was not a baby anymore but a smart, funny, caring, little boy that can now feed himself, help his mommy with his brother, and would be two years old in less then 3 months... I can not comprehend why I get so emotional thinking about this.. I know it's part of life.. they have to grow up but it's something I am having an extremely difficult time coping with. It was so upsetting that I couldn't remember more.. I just asked myself over and over again.. where have these last two years gone? Why have I not stopped what I was doing more often over the past year to just hold and spend genuine quality time with him?? I felt a ridiculous amount of guilt at that moment.. It had literally been months since I had last rocked or held him like that. What's worse was that I had alot of those moments with Jackson when he was an infant but I have had very few with Lucas and he will be 1 in just a few weeks..That thought alone sends me into another emotional frenzy.. I have become so consumed with the fast paced routine that I think all us working mothers get in...You wake up, rush to work, rush home, rush to feed kids, bathe and put to sleep,rush to get ready for tomorrow and bed... do it all over again the next day and there goes your years.. I make an effort everyday to spend time with the boys whether it be us playing, reading,watching cartoons together, or eating. What I realized at that moment as I held him was even tho I was doing all those things with the boys I might have been there physically but mentally I was thinking of all the things that needed to be done and not really giving them my complete undivided attention. All I can think of is that life is so short and these precious moments are something we will NEVER get back.. am I doing everything I can to truly enjoy every minute I have with my babies while they are babies? Every year I make a list of New Years resolutions that get ignored.. this year I am not making a list of resolutions.. this year I am making a lifestyle change..I am not going to sweat the little stuff and enjoy life to the fullest.I am going to eat healthier and get fit so I feel good and have the energy to be the mom and wife I want to be. I am going to take more naps with my children. The boys and I will get more involved with church even if Matthew can't be. I will get more organized around the house so I have to clean alot less during the day and every moment I have with my children and husband will be dedicated to them. If I can offer any advice to new mothers with infants.. enjoy every single moment..years down the road the only thing that will matter will be the memories we have of all the moments we shared. I have been told this since Jackson was born and I guess I heard everyone but didn't really listen..Jackson, I hear you loud and clear! It took someone so little to make me see something so big. Since that day I have caught myself stopping and taking mental pictures and embedding that memory in me hoping I never forget..
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